There is a tribe. A small tribe of survivors who have teetered on the precipice between life and death and somehow lived to tell the story. They have tried to kill themselves and failed. Many have not been so lucky. This week, as the global community marks World Suicide Prevention Day, we speak to three courageous souls who stared death in the face but in the end, overcame darkness with light.
The first time I contemplated suicide was November 28, 2008, after a traumatic rape ordeal in campus as an undergraduate student at the University of Nairobi. It left me with a huge void; with no purpose to live.
I had intended to buy poison, agrochemicals that are sold at Wakulima market. On my way, I found a poster seeking for call girls on Koinange Street and detoured. I ended up being cast in a pornographic movie. Much later I realized that that movie had actually saved me from committing suicide.
Come January 2009, I resumed my studies at the start of a new semester. The movie I had featured in went viral. Again, I attempted to jump into moving traffic on university way. I was hit but luckily there was not enough damage to kill me - only bruises.
I was raped a second time by a farm hand at home. At this point I was more determined than ever to kill myself: I lacked the strength to live another day. With no one to talk to I was depressed. I had created a wall around me and as a result lost some friends.
I sought solace in older men. Meanwhile, I drew up a plan on how to successfully end my life. It would be nice to die on a date that coincided with my birth date, I told myself. So, on January 19, 2010 (my birthday is November 20) I cleaned the house – for guests who would come to mourn. I called my best friend and told her that I was committing suicide. I explained to her the kind of music I wanted played at the funeral. Afterwards, I took a concoction of Rat-n-Rat, herbicides, other pesticides and 20 Piriton tablets. I needed to be sure that it would be successful.
I covered myself well in bed. It was around midnight and the day was transitioning to 20th. Not long after, I started to vomit profusely and my mother rushed into my room and drove me to the hospital. I was hospitalized for a week at a private hospital in Embu. During my stay at the facility I tried to suffocate myself with a paper bag but it did not work. The next thing I tried was hanging myself on a kitchen pillar. I fell on the kitchen floor so hard, it hurt.
My final suicide attempt was when I wanted to jump off Nyali Bridge in Mombasa. It was 11.00 pm, two weeks after coming out of hospital. The glaring lights of a car snapped me out of my reverie. I went back home and I purposed to live. I sought help at the Kenya Association of Professional Counsellors in Mombasa.
I am much better now. But suicide still flicks through my mind when I am feeling down. But I choose to be brave. I seek support from my pastor, friends, counsellor and partner. But I also choose not to focus on the past – what happened to me and the mistakes I made on my own. I am better now. I am studying for a PhD and I live as a Christian.
30-year-old Catherine Njeri has attempted suicide a couple of times
I was born and brought up in Nairobi, the third born in a family of four: three girls and one boy. I reside in Nairobi, where I currently work. The first time I contemplated suicide was November 28, 2008, after a traumatic rape ordeal in campus as an undergraduate student at the University of Nairobi. It left me with a huge void; with no purpose to live.
I had intended to buy poison, agrochemicals that are sold at Wakulima market. On my way, I found a poster seeking for call girls on Koinange Street and detoured. I ended up being cast in a pornographic movie. Much later I realized that that movie had actually saved me from committing suicide.
Come January 2009, I resumed my studies at the start of a new semester. The movie I had featured in went viral. Again, I attempted to jump into moving traffic on university way. I was hit but luckily there was not enough damage to kill me - only bruises.
I was raped a second time by a farm hand at home. At this point I was more determined than ever to kill myself: I lacked the strength to live another day. With no one to talk to I was depressed. I had created a wall around me and as a result lost some friends.
I sought solace in older men. Meanwhile, I drew up a plan on how to successfully end my life. It would be nice to die on a date that coincided with my birth date, I told myself. So, on January 19, 2010 (my birthday is November 20) I cleaned the house – for guests who would come to mourn. I called my best friend and told her that I was committing suicide. I explained to her the kind of music I wanted played at the funeral. Afterwards, I took a concoction of Rat-n-Rat, herbicides, other pesticides and 20 Piriton tablets. I needed to be sure that it would be successful.
I covered myself well in bed. It was around midnight and the day was transitioning to 20th. Not long after, I started to vomit profusely and my mother rushed into my room and drove me to the hospital. I was hospitalized for a week at a private hospital in Embu. During my stay at the facility I tried to suffocate myself with a paper bag but it did not work. The next thing I tried was hanging myself on a kitchen pillar. I fell on the kitchen floor so hard, it hurt.
My final suicide attempt was when I wanted to jump off Nyali Bridge in Mombasa. It was 11.00 pm, two weeks after coming out of hospital. The glaring lights of a car snapped me out of my reverie. I went back home and I purposed to live. I sought help at the Kenya Association of Professional Counsellors in Mombasa.
I am much better now. But suicide still flicks through my mind when I am feeling down. But I choose to be brave. I seek support from my pastor, friends, counsellor and partner. But I also choose not to focus on the past – what happened to me and the mistakes I made on my own. I am better now. I am studying for a PhD and I live as a Christian.
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